schweblog

It reaches a point when you realize that this is weird. Where the permanence of it all starts to fade and fleck off, a little more each day, and the reality underneath is becoming more and more evident with the passing of every hour. This is not the same. We are not the same people. Everything has changed.

I wake up slightly hungover for the fourth time this week (last week?–I’m losing track of time) and realize that it’s a lot more bearable when you have someone to bring you a glass of water and kiss you on the forehead and smile at your folly. You try to convince yourself that this is a progression. This is a progression. You are your own best critic and this will be the issue that you’ll be debating for a long time. It’s not going to be as easy as you thought it would, idiot.

I am entering into what J.D. Salinger calls a “blue period.” The weight of it all is setting in and your joints are more tired and there could be an answer at the bottom of the next bottle if you look hard enough. At the same time, you lose your ambition and settle into that aimlessness that’s so comforting and so damn discouraging. You should really be at work. But you’re not. And you don’t plan on going.

Pretty soon avoiding one another becomes a strategy of sorts. There are those occassions where you brush it all aside and go out for dinner still. It’s fun to play dress-up and pretend that nothing ever happened. If I am on my toes and provide enough witty quips, she won’t figure out that I feel this way. And somehow that will make me better in her eyes, stronger. More of a man…or more of the man that I once was.

Filed under: general by Jesse