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Washington (AP) — Following the judicial compromise reached last month and recent acceptance of Janice Rogers Brown into federal appeals court, Senate Democrats and Republicans have managed to find even more middle ground regarding another issue that plagues the nation: abstinence education.

The Bush administration and fellow Republicans have come under fire recently for their “hands off” approach to sex education in schools. Under the Republican program, abstinence from sexual activity is the only method taught to prevent unwanted pregnancies and disease. Several Democrats, including Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid of Nevada, have criticized the policies that include no education on the use of contraceptive devices that could prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. “The policy goes directly against the trends of our youth…it’s simply a refusal to accept reality,” said Reid.

A compromise was reached in the Senate today that will potentially change the face of abstinence education, if passed as legislation. The new policy has been dubbed “The Immaculate Ejaculate” program. With it in place, adolescents would be taught the dangers of STDs and the potential for unwanted pregnancies while also learning of alternative methods of sexual release.

“There’s really no reason not to accept this compromise,” said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, “as its a common sense way to solve a lot of the problems pubescent youth face without encouraging a life of sin.” The program requires teachers to pass on various methods of masturbation to male and female students alike. The “sock method” gets the most emphasis for male students, as it’s “clean and easy to clean up,” according to the pamphlet that is circulating around the Senate. Females are being encouraged to consider bananas, wine bottles, and any other phallic objects that they find pleasurable.

Iris Hurshel, long-time proponent of such policies and leader of the Cause for Universal Masturbation (CUM) claims that, “masturbation provides a safe method for youth to enjoy the sensations of orgasm without the risk of pregnancy or uncomfortable rashes.”

So far, the new approach to sex education has received broad bi-partisan support, but some religious groups have objected. “Masturbation is a sin,” said Pastor Henry Stevens of Georgia, “Leviticus even says that–and I quote–’jackoffs are going to burn in pools of their own spilt seed.’” The issue, although still somewhat controversial to groups on either end of the sex education spectrum, faces very little opposition from authorities in Washington. The bill will is expected to be drafted within the next week.

Filed under: humor, politics by Jesse