schweblog

Things have been progressing swimmingly with the new femme fatale. After meeting my parents over spring break, her approach to the relationship that we had changed and things have seemingly shifted over from being “casually exclusive” to “significantly invested”. It’s an interesting alteration that has taken some getting used to, although this is what I had wanted upon starting with her three months ago.

Oddly enough, I’m finding myself on shifty ground regarding what I want from all of this now. Our earlier engagement, which lacked an acknowledgment of emotional effort, was wholly troubling to me. I thought I wanted emotional investment, total focus, and long-term plans. Now that things have shifted in that direction, however, I’m beginning to wonder if my earlier hopes were valid and realistic.

Now I’m stuck trying to decide if this is me just struggling–rather poorly, I think–to put my guard down after having it up as a matter of necessity or if my reservations are validated by some other nuance of our relationship. I have issues with her, as I’m sure she does with me, that need alteration and adjustment if we’re to continue on a long-term track. Conversely, I’m afraid that I’m seeing these issues with the rose-tinted glasses of the new relationship.

There are flags out there: idiosyncracies and problems that will inevitably give us trouble if they are not dealt with. But what color are they? What impact will they have on us when more time has passed and there is more investment on both parties’ behalf? When we come to those obstacles, will our bond be strong enough to avoid them, or will they crack our foundation?

I’ve decided to wait, as foolish as that might seem. She leaves for Lyon in August for over three months to study. This will be our time to meditate on the future of us, alone and unfettered by the physical charms and wiles of the other. It will give us a chance to approach this as objectively as possible and decide if we want to continue falling or not. Regardless of our choices post-France, though, I want to look back fondly at this time–the here and now–and remember that we shared moments in which both of us were really and genuinely happy. Regardless of the future, the present will be good.