schweblog

Eventually it starts sinking in–the reality that I was pushing and pushing and pushing into the back of my mind in hopes that it would go away. Shortly after the declarations of love were made and things finally started looking up, we both realized that she would be leaving for Lyon in August. At that time, she will be leaving for a span of time equal to half of the time that we have been together.

The result is an epic clusterfuck of catch-22s. On one hand, I want her to go to France and find herself: make the discoveries, have the epiphanies, find the loves and losses, and come back to the states with full knowledge of whether or not she really wants to be with me. On the other hand, I worry about her choices and the way they will affect me upon her return: why did she have to do this, that, and the other thing to know that she really wants me? Will these same doubts arise again, later on?

On the homefront, I’m concerned that I’ll remain stupidly committed to something that simply doesn’t exist, only to realize months later that I was a fool for thinking that something so frail and delicate could last so many months. Simultaneously, if I put my neck out there again and allow myself to be lured in by another siren’s song, will I regret what could have been if I had remained faithful? Even if I go back to Natalie after the experience of other women, will my actions have some negative bearing on the direction we head? Do I want to risk messing things up?

At this point, we have a few months ahead of us, during which we can discover ourselves and each other more. I hope that a solution emerges from this maze of feelings and passion. I will love her as best as I can. And hope that it is enough.