schweblog

Amongst the cries of the populace at large bemoaning the heatwaves, increasing gas prices, and more numerous hurricanes, sole voices stand out in this time of need to provide solutions to our grievances. Today, I’m one of them. Occasionally, I’ll emerge from my cavern of self-absorbed thought to propose mindful solutions to the problems facing us today. Today is one of those days.

Rather than blaming cars or government or President Bush, I’m blaming (most of) you: the 98% of you that aren’t calling yourselves vegetarians. Putting aside the debates over whether or not animals deserve ethical consideration (and the naturalistic fallacies that accompany them), there’s no denying that eating meat is bad for the environment, potentially moreso than driving vehicles . Whether you want to nitpick the numbers or not, there’s no rational way to deny that the consumption of meat is worse for the environment than opting for vegetarianism.

And yet, in spite of the overwhelming evidence that it would be better for us and our environment to do otherwise, people continue to eat meat. Old habits die hard and the likelihood of modern society phasing meat out of their diets any time soon is unlikely, at best. In lieu of this cultural resistance to “do the right thing”, we need a practical alternative that synchs our sense of ethical responsibility with our culinary habits. And that alternative is staring us right in the face: it’s time to start eating senior citizens.

Given the best data I can find, every American consumes roughly 185 pounds of meat per year. Currently, there are 37,196,167 people over the age of 65 in the United States (source: CIA World Factbook). That’s nearly 5,579,425,050 pounds of dead human at 150 pounds per person–let’s take out 1/3 of that for bones (we’ll use the organs and whatnot to make hotdogs…after all, it’s what we currently do). So we have approximately 3,719,616,328 pounds of potentially consumable–and soon-to-be-dead–meat walking/wheelchairing around.

The current population under 65 is 261,248,048. If the 2004 election results are any indicator, roughly 51% of Americans don’t give a shit about our environment and/or future, so they’re unlikely to change their eating habits for the good of mankind. The other 49% espouses ideals that would seemingly coincide with a shift in one’s lifestyle for the good of mankind, although it’s doubtful that they would actually do so (you know, like their unwillingness to impeach the president even though they swore to protect the Constitution). Regardless, let’s presume that the liberal-minded folks would be willing to participate. That means that there are roughly 128,011,544 people in America that might eat senior citizen if it would help the environment.

At the average rate of 185 pounds annually, we’d need about 236,882,240,640 pounds of senior citizen to satisfy the demand: that’s approximately 66 times the amount of senior citizen currently walking around. That’s a pretty bleak outlook for this solution, isn’t it?

Or is it? Given the current obesity trends, we can reasonably infer the number of deaths from heart disease and other obesity-related causes of death will be increasing in years to come, as will the average poundage of the dead person. What’s really cool about these sources of meat is that, in living their day-to-day lives, they are also working towards becoming a source of food for their children and their children’s children. You can have your meat and be it, too! Your day-to-day life isn’t just a meaningless grind of work and family–it’s a constant effort to be the best you can be for the future, framed within a prison of a proverbial slaughterhouse. Life has so much more meaning this way! Screw the American dream of owning a house and raising a family, which is becoming less and less realistic with rising real estate prices and costs of living. This can be the new American dream!

Suddenly, the obesity trend doesn’t look so bad, does it? On paper, I mean. Of course it’s going to look bad on the streets and beaches of America. But it’s for the greater good! Next time you sit down at McDonald’s and try to decide if that noise is your arteries clogging or the sound of your childrens’ corpulent arms slapping together as they fight over the last french fry, remind yourself that what you’re doing is a noble, worthwhile cause. With every bite of that Big Mac, you are serving a higher purpose.

So I leave you with one question, dear reader: why not Biggie Size it?