schweblog

Natalie leaves for Lyon a week from today. She won’t be returning until 5 months from now. I’ve worked out all of the nuances rationally, explained to my emotions why this needs to happen and that there is possible good in it. At night, though, when I’m lying there next to her and watching her sleep, I have a hard time believing any of that logical claptrap. She is beautiful, painfully so, inside and out. How could being several thousand miles apart possibly be good?!

At first I was convinced that this would be the end of us. That she would get to Lyon and, within a few weeks, decide that she wanted to duck out of the relationship and live a wild, unbounded existence in France. I would understand these sentiments and move on–this is something she needs to do. It wouldn’t be me or my deficiencies or my inability to make her happy or my poor taste in clothing: it would be the call of something different and new, the allure of youthful bachelorhood. To live unfettered by love, I thought, was the greatest gift one could have. And I wouldn’t dare rob her of it, although I knew I wouldn’t come back to her when she came back. Trust issues run deep for me. Infidelity spelled doom.

The next stage was crippling and agonizing. We had our discussions. She didn’t want to be held down, I didn’t want to hold her down, but we still felt drawn towards one another. Like, if a sole indiscretion was all that forced us apart, we would be cheating ourselves out of something beautiful and amazing. I came to the realization that I was exactly where I had been before in other relationships: if she cheated on me, I would most likely come crawling back. I hadn’t learned my lesson. Needless to say, I was convinced that her coming back would see the magic removed. Our chemistry would be squelched and what we once had would wither and die. Within a few months it would be decided: things aren’t as they were and they never will be. Happiness is impossible in this context. I would be remembered as the pushover that took her back after I swore I wouldn’t.

I’ve finally settled on something. Rather than viewing this excursion as a curse, I’ve come to view it as an opportunity. Very rarely can you gauge your romantic relationships this far into things. Never have I been in a situation where two people that love each other can have five months to just think about things, independent of the physical presence of the other. It’s time to see if this relationship is worth it. It’s time to see if this was a wise investment or an excruciatingly silly endeavor. It’s time to see if this can last. I genuinely believe it can. More than that, though, I hope I’m right. I’ve never wanted to be this right in my life.