schweblog

I realized something today, after having yet another meaningless, distracted, boring conversation with Natalie on the phone. We’ve been having the occasional chat–most of the time she’s either talking to other people, shopping, or busy with something else. Having set up a formal time to talk today, only to find that she was probably in a concert at the time that we had planned and I was probably blown off, I had my epiphany. It wasn’t personal and directed at her–it was more introspective and self-realizing.

I invest way too much in other people. I become interwoven into their souls and bodies and minds too easily. I fall in love too fast, too hard, and too intensely. In making these people the sole priority, I only set myself up for disappointment. The basic gist of what I’m getting at is that my efforts are entirely too focused on the other person: in living, breathing, and loving them, I fail to live, breathe, and love for myself.

I was sitting outside at a gas station watching the clouds go by while my car filled up when this hit me like a ton of bricks. I give too readily and gamble on the other person entirely too much. I’ve been writing her daily emails with hardly three paragraph’s worth of thought in return–for every 100 words I’ve written, I’ve received 2 in return. This claim that she’s too busy and can’t adjust her schedule accordingly essentially amounts to an assertion that she’s not willing to put forth the effort necessary to do so.

I’m sick of this. It’s not her, though, at all–it’s me. I’m here. I set myself up for this. I’m practically asking anyone that I love to walk all over me by setting my expectations so low and my effort so incredibly high. This is stupid and asinine and absurd.

Today I am killing my inner romantic. He’s failed me way too many times. He will be locked in the deepest recesses of my heart and, until I find someone willing to go down there and drag him out, I’m not interested in what he has to say to me.

Filed under: love by Jesse