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To Whom It May Concern:

It is with a heavy heart and a lightened conscience that I hand my resignation on this, the eve of an unveiling of a new flavor that Starbucks will begin marketing to the caffeine-addicted masses. Over the past several months at Starbucks, I have learned a lot about what, precisely, drives the cogs within this corporate behemoth. It is not, as Starbucks markets itself, a passion for coffee.

Passion for coffee, in all of its various forms, actually has nothing to do with the vision of this company. In fact, quite the opposite is true. Starbucks has shown itself to be willing to do virtually anything to coffee in order to ensure that it realizes a profit. For 3 dollars-and-some-odd-cents we will happily hand you a grande cup of espresso, ensuring beforehand that we inundate it with enough artificial sweeteners and flavors so as to completely mask the taste of the actual coffee.

This process, akin to mixing sugar into red wine to make it more palatable to the populace at large, directly contradicts Starbucks purported passion for coffee. The majority of drinks on the Starbucks menu are to coffee as strawberry wine coolers are to cabernet sauvignon, a tacky—if not well-marketed—façade. Never mind that we’ll blend it into a milkshake for just a few cents more.

As someone who attempts to remain consistent or, at the very least, authentic, I’m officially separating from Starbucks for the aforementioned reasons. I’ll continue to purchase and drink Starbucks coffee in an unadulterated form, but I’ll rest easier at night knowing that I’m not defiling the genuinely lovely taste that I love so much just to benefit the bottom line.

So long, and thanks for all the coffee.

Filed under: lamentations, memories by Jesse