End-of-the-world scenarios have been running through my head a lot lately. More than usual, actually. Most cases involve zombies and typically bubble up from my subconscious when I’m in class and not really enjoying myself. I take a look at people—their general build, their shoes, and potential defensive implements that they have on their person—and then run a standard zombie infestation scenario through my head, sizing up each person’s chance of survival. Maybe, maybe 10% of the people in the classroom would survive to see another day without the desire to feast on brains; it’s nothing personal, really. I’m also mapping out the best escape route.
Other times it’s a nuclear winter and I meditate on The Road, how it would feel to head for a destination you’re not even sure exists. How you would survive. How you would deal with the breakdown of the state. How you would have to defend yourself from terrible people. Maybe zombies here, too, people all morphed and fucked up by the radiation. Food would be scarce. And I couldn’t even grow it. Maybe I should buy more bottled water. Maybe I should buy one of those buckets with, like, 100 MREs in them and store it in my closet. Would 100 be enough? I should probably buy a gun. Just in case.
This kind of thing has been pretty standard for several years now, but now it’s creeping into other considerations in my life. As a single fellow, I regularly check out members of the opposite sex. I’ve always paid special attention to certain features that I particularly like—hips, hair, skin…but I now find myself increasingly concerned with each potential mate’s likelihood of survival in an apocalyptic situation. Could she defend herself from zombies long enough that I could leave our urban fortress to gather supplies? Would she have the wherewithall to really handle the collapse of society? Could I deal with being cooped up with her days, weeks, months on end?
I’m not sure really what any of this means.
October 24th, 2008
by Heather
I definately think that you should get a gun. It’s your right and you don’t even take advantage of it? That’s just not patriotic, son.
And perhaps you could join a millenialist group like the Jehovah’s Witnesses, that way you could excuse yourself from having to deal with what the rest of us will when we get left here by Jesus and his dad.
As for a mate that you will get you through, I am reminded of that old 60’s song “if you wanna be happy” which I believe continues- “for the rest of your life never make a pretty woman your wife, and from my personal point of view get an ugly girl to marry you.” Which, I know with your proclivity for beautiful women is unlikely- but I think you might have a better chance of survival and happiness. I just read this Joan Rivers quote the other day “There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl”- and Neitzche said (of all the fucking things he said) that when one is choosing a wife that he should pick one that he can converse with into old age. I would cite that for you but I don’t own my Neitzche collection anymore.
I would tell you that when choosing a mate try to sense out which women had to parent their parents… they might be weird about affection and intimacy, but if they got an early start at having to make a household stick together they would probably make a good war woman for you. But they are probably less likely to moisturize.
But really, who wants to live post-apocolypse?
Which I guess raises that time honored question about the value of life…
And now to paraphrase one of my favorite quotes of all time: The only real question one has to ask himself, that is whether or not to kill himself.- that’s Schweitzer for you and pretty much all that I have to add to your life today, as far as I know.
I love this subject, and would invite you to now look at it from a positive point of view. What if the end of this world marks the beginning of something unfathomably better? What would that look like?
October 26th, 2008
by nks
Jesse, this is hilarious. If you do find a zombie-fighting companion, make sure to let me know. I intend to use y’all as protection.
October 27th, 2008
by JB
Run, do not walk, to your computer and put Night of the Comet at the top of your Netflix queue. Not only are they zombies - they are 1980s zombies from southern California. It doesn’t get any better than that - unless they were from NJ of course.
Is there a philosophy of the undead? Maybe you could start a trend.
October 27th, 2008
by Jesse
The Author
The movie suggestion has been noted.
As for the philosophy of zombies, there’s already a lot out there. The zombie is a pretty convenient tool in philosophy of mind. Wikipedia has a pretty good article on the philosophical zombie and I was surprised to see that the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy also has an entire page dedicated to the zombie.
Awesome.
December 3rd, 2008
by Jesse
Here is more fuel to fan the fire in your head:
http://www.zombiesurvivalwiki.com